There are those days and sometimes weeks where you are thrown into a world of shit. You may see it coming, fear it coming, but lo and behold, here it is. For some people it may be financial, emotional, physical or psychological. In the midst of it, if you happen to get into a fight with another person, the problem only amplifies.
What I’m learning is that fights have a unique ability to both cloud the truth with misconceptions and illuminate all of your own faults. In a way, it’s like deconstructing an object to try and put it back together properly. In a lot of cases, we revert to putting things back together in the only way we know how and it’s the same piss-poor situation all over again. Every now and again, you get a chance to improve and make it better. The trick with improvement is seeing the whole picture and making sure it’s what’s best for everyone, self included.
I hate fighting, mainly because it highlights my own inadequacies and affirms all of the things I already doubt in myself. And I don’t know what it was, but something clicked for me. The worry is worse than actually doing what I fear all along. This is both in terms of my private life and my professional life.
That hot ball of wire in the pit of my stomach can all go away if I just stop worrying about how the “what if” moments, and completely rule them out. I’m trying to put a positive spin on a lot of dark thoughts, which as an author tends to happen. So many emotions get bottled up only to focus and write them out into a story somewhere and when you have no story to write, they eat away at your mind like acid. I’d like to say that everything feels grey and colorless, but realistically, it feels like I lost my sight and I’m trying to remember what colors look like.
Main point, as terrible as it feels to go through these moments of deconstruction, there is a relief in the possibility of making myself better.